Pocahontas: Now Usahontas?
by Meefer
Summary: Ok! I finally reposted this pos story...D*mn you to hell for removing it! SM/GW/DBZ fic, remake of the Disney classic WARNING: Sick Humor! I cannot help it!
1. Default Chapter

Hallo! It's...da...MEEFER here! Just have a rather long section that takes up the first chapter explaining mehself so none of yous bitch to me about anything.  
  
Okay. Now I'm pretty sure that the majority of you readers have seen the movie, 'Pocahontas' by Disney. Well, I saw it when I was a lot younger, and let me tell you...I was very disappointed! I mean, when you're like nine years old, every cartoon-movie is supposed to have happy endings and all that blah blah shit. But, at the ending of the movie, John Smith gets shot and is sent back to Europe! Although it really DID happen in all actuality you mean to tell me that Disney couldn't use their 'magic' and turn it into a cute sappy love story? I mean, they DID have a fooking talking fish in Ariel- The Little Mermaid and talking mice in Cinderella...  
  
See? Here's a PERFECT example of Disney using their onscreen 'magic':  
  
In EVERY other scene in the movie, people were singing. Aside from being TOTALLY ANNOYING, I somehow doubt that any of those losers sang about trees and rivers!!!!  
  
Now you might be asking yourself, 'Why is Trisha talking about Pocahontas?' Well, I'm going to tell you. I took it upon myself to remake the story into a fan-fic, featuring some of your favorite anime characters from Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, and Dragonball Z! That way, the story goes according to my 'matured' sense of humor (in other words, kinky/nasty/hilarious), and ends the way I want it to!   
  
Also...in my story, there are a few lemon-scenes. They are pretty graphic and aren't meant for the virgin-minded. If you don't like them, than skip over it. No one is forcing you to read them, so I don't want to hear any of you run your mouth at me because you didn't like how a certain person is sleeping with everyone, and so forth.  
  
Now, for the few readers who have been living under a rock and have never seen Pocahontas, and for those of you who just plain forgot, I'll fill you in on all the characters. Oh, and even for those of you who think you remember, you should still read it.   
  
1.) Thomas- Really cute redhead with that English accent. He's one of John Smith's friends. Also the one who's thrown from the boat during the storm. Also the guy who shoots Kocuom(see below for his description.) He has a minor role in the Pocahontas movie.  
  
2.) John Smith- Faggot white-boy with the blonde mullet-cut hair. Also the main character and Pocahontas' love interest.  
  
3.) Pocahontas- Main character; John Smith's love interest.  
  
4.) Nakoma- Pocahontas' best friend. She's the one with the box-cut bangs and short hair.  
  
5.) John Ratcliffe- Psychopathic governor of Jamestown who's obsessed about finding gold in the, 'New World'. Wants to kill all of the Indians, or, 'Savages' as he put it.  
  
6.) Kocuom-The Indian-guy who wants to marry Pocahontas.  
  
7.) Chief Powhaten- Chief of one of the many Indian clan. Also Pocahontas' father.  
  
8.)Kekata- Medicine man, who can see the future if he looks into smoke.  
  
9.) Lon- Red-haired guy with the red beard. one of John's friends.  
  
10.) Ben- Black-haired guy who's John's friend too.  
  
11.) Grandmother Willow- Talking Willow tree who gives Pocahontas advice on making decisions.   
  
12.) Meeko and Flit- Pocahontas' pet raccoon and bird. Meeko is greedy, takes stuff from people all the time. Flit is an annoying hummingbird that doesn't like people that she doesn't know.  
  
13.)Wiggins- Ratcliffe's enthusiastic and ever-cheerful servant. Ratcliffe bitches him up a lot.  
  
Here's a list of which anime characters are portraying which character from the movie:  
  
Thomas-------Vegita (Dragon Ball Z)  
John Smith-------Quatre (Gundam Wing)  
Pocahontas-------Usagi (Sailor Moon)  
Nakoma-------Ami (Sailor Moon)  
John Ratcliff-------Duo (Gundam Wing)  
Kocuom-------Trowa (Gundam Wing)  
Chief Powhaten-------Krillin (Dragonball Z)  
Kekata-------Heero (Gundum Wing)  
Lon-------Yamucha (Dragonball Z)  
Ben-------Gokou (Dragonball Z)  
Meeko-------Luna (Sailor Moon)  
Wiggins-------Rashid (Gundam Wing)  
Grandmother Willow-------??????   
  
(Yes, I realize, I didn't say who was going to portray Grandmother Willow. I did that on purpose because no anime character is going to portray her. You're just gonna have to wait and see.)  
  
All you Wufei luvers, DON'T WORRY!! He's in my story too, just not portraying any real character from Pocahontas.  
  
Keep in mind that the anime characters portraying them still look the same (ex: if you read about Pocahontas, she looks like Usagi in Indian clothes, not like that ugly, black haired thing from Disney). Only exception is Luna; think of her as this big, black, panther-racoon thing ^_^. Oh, yeah, just so you know: FEW ANIME CHARACTERS HAVE THEIR EXACT PERSONALITIES AS THEY DO IN THE SERIES...I'm gonna call this my fair warning to you all.  
  
You'll remember what anime character I'm talking about while you're reading because I'm incorporating their names with the ones from the movie. (Ex: Pocahontas is now Usahontas.)   
  
I think my concept for the story is sheer genius! All of you can KISS MY ASS if you don't like it. Like I've said before, if at any time while reading, you become offended or find that parts of the story that you don't agree with, STOP READING!!!!!! That's all imma say 'bout that ^_^  
  
Read and review please please please ^_^  
  
-Meefer  
  
PS: Thomas wasn't one of the major people in the movie, but I LOVE his accent and whoever drew him made him really hot, so:  
  
a.) he's gonna be a major/main character in MY story.   
b.) Vegita's portraying him because I luv Vegita and I write this story with him being the coolest in it!  
  
PPS: Keep in mind while you're reading: Every character that originates from England has an accent (So Quatre, Vegita, Yamucha, Gokou, etc. all have accents) as do any other character, depending on what part of the world they're from. 


	2. Default Cannons

Okay, now that you have a better understanding of what's to happen in the story, enjoy! Oh, and just so you know, I watched the whole Pocahontas movie (and took my notes too ^_^) That means that meh story follows the movie almost perfectly, but with a twist of my humor, and makes John Smith look really retarded...Also, When you find out what happens to Hotaru and Relina in this chapter, remember that IT'S MY STORY!!! ANYTHING THAT I WANT TO HAPPEN, HAPPENS! AND I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE RELINA AND SLUTBAG HOTARU!  
  
Chapter 1: Default Cannons  
  
Author: Meefer  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Content: Mild Language, mild violence, and some sexual references  
  
Pairings: Some hentai thoughts ^_^   
  
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"I'll miss you." Vegimas said to his bitches Hotaru and Relina in his most insincere voice.   
  
"We'll miss you too!" they said in unison, not noticing his tone of voice.   
  
Hotaru patted her swollen stomach. "Say bye-bye to your da-da, baby Trunks," she cooed.  
  
"And say bye-bye to your da-da too, baby Bra." Relina echoed in a baby voice, patting her huge stomach as well.   
  
Vegimas nearly threw up there and then.  
  
Each kissed him one last time before letting him board the ship.  
  
--They were supposed to have been a one-night-stand-three-way, but his sperm count had been very high the night he was with them, five months ago. The doctors had said that was a major factor in causing both Relina and Hotaru to become pregnant. The three had been really drunk too, and no one remembered to use protection, which prolly didn't help matters...  
  
The only honorable thing left to do was to take care of them, and Vegimas did exactly that, working three jobs a day just to make endsmeat. He looked back at his two biggest mistakes and wished that things could've been different. Now he was to be burdened with two children because of his foolishness.   
  
Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted--by the sound of a shrill and annoying voice.  
  
"Oh no, oh no!" Quatron Smith shouted, running in circles, as a default cannon fired toward the crowd, blowing both Relina's and Hotaru's heads off.   
  
A crowd quickly gathered around the two decapitated bodies, wanting to see if either had survived. A few moments later, two men removed their jackets and covered the bodies, lowering their heads and mourning the loss.  
  
A cocky grin now replaced the frown etched in Vegimas' features... This trip wasn't going to be as bad as he thought.  
  
"Fwend(Friend) Vegimas, I'm tewabwee(terribly)sowwy abo-" Quatron started in a lame-ass attempt at comforting Vegimas' loss. However, he was silenced by a wave of Vegimas' hand.  
  
"Don't apologize, I've been waiting five months for this day, don't ruin my moment of glory." Vegimas said and walked away.  
  
Puzzled with that reaction, Quatron shrugged to himself and decided to bother his two "Fwends" Goken and Yamuchon.  
  
"Is Vegimas coming to the new wowld(world) with us?" Quatron asked.  
  
"Of course he is lad. You 'ave to 'ave 'im if you want to kill those dirty savages!" Goken said with his heavy Scottish accent.  
  
Yamuchon snickered. "I don't care about the savages, I just want to find a lot of gold. I'll have a butt-load of money."--still as shallow as ever--  
  
Knowing Yamuchon was seconds away from zoning out, Goken turned away from him, and began a conversation with that loser Quatron.   
  
Yamuchon, meanwhile, busied himself with thoughts of the New World and what it would have to offer-- He'd have a mountain of gold so high, he'd be able to sleep on it; wouldn't even need a mattress for that matter! Lying next to him would be a long haired, exotic, (And of course NAKED!) Indian, waiting to pleasure him. She'd fuck him endlessly, and-   
  
"Right Yamuchon?" Goken asked, interrupting his thoughts. Yamuchon nodded his head, not sure what he'd just agreed on, and walked away.   
  
This trip had better be worth it.  
  
Just then, trumpets sounded, and a red carpet was laid out, signifying the arrival of the soon-to-be Mayor of the New World, Duo Maxcliffe. Duo was helped out of his chariot, and he started down the walkway.  
  
Waiting alongside the carpet were a bunch of Duo-fangirls. x.x;;  
  
As he passed each female, they grabbed any (and every) part of his body that they could, his buttox being the most popular for pinching.   
  
He quickened his pace as his right cheek became sore from too many pinches.   
  
Not that he was trying to avoid the chicks or anything, in fact he LOVED the attention, but there are only a certain amount of pinches a guy could take before it begins to hurt. He boarded the ship and headed to his quarters.   
  
The faster this boat started moving, the faster they'd get to the New World, the faster he'd be Mayor.  
  
  
***Sometime Later***  
  
  
The boat leaned to its left as a wave crashed atop the deck, causing the cannons to slide out of place.   
  
"Secure the cannons!!" a shipmate yelled. The wind from the thunderstorm was very strong, causing the boat to rock wildly.   
  
Vegimas finished securing one of the cannons and went to help Quatron, who was struggling with his.  
  
The two had almost succeeded in securing it when a monstrous wave crashed onto the boat. Vegimas grabbed the rope tied to the boat and held for dear life as the water sloshed over to where he stood.  
  
Quatron, on the other hand, being the idiot that he is, began to panic and started running around in circles, screaming like a little girl; the wave easily swept him off the ship.  
  
Vegimas looked at Quatron who was fighting to stay above the water, contemplating if he REALLY felt like a swim...Goken and Yamuchon came over as well, just as Quatron sank beneath the surface.  
  
"Leave him, lad. It's in the hands of Nature now. . ." Goken said, placing a comforting hand on Vegimas' shoulder.  
  
Vegimas rolled his eyes, knowing that he was gonna go in after him...after all it was probably the least he could do considering that it was Quatron who had rid him of those two slutbags. With that decided, Vegimas grabbed a rope and hopped in after Quatron.  
  
Having that tight-ass bod that he has, Vegimas easily managed to grab Quatron and haul his fat arse back onto the deck of the ship.  
  
Shaking his head back and forth like a dog that's just had a bath, Quatron exclaimed, "That was wefweshing(refreshing)!"   
  
"Eh...that sounded really queer..." Vegimas said, mock-patting Quatron on the back.  
  
Quatron winced in pain, even though Vegimas had hardly hit him at all.  
  
"Toughen up, pussy-man." Vegimas stated disgustedly.   
  
Quatron couldn't think of a better comeback, so he sat in silence.   
  
  
***Back in Maxcliffe's cabin***  
  
  
"Those fools!" Maxcliffe shouted to Rashiggins, once he entered his cabin. "They think that there's actually gold in the new world! I heard them earlier! Their petty talk of a new life filled with prosperity! They'll send for their families, thinking that there's gold here, and I will rule them all! I-" His ranting was stopped for a second, as his faithful bitch Rashiggins intervened.  
  
"Ah, Mr.Maxcliffe sir, I believe it was only one sailor who suggested that...but. " he shrugged, and Maxcliffe continued  
"I WILL BE MAYOR, AND THEY WILL ALL BE MY SLAVES, DAMMIT!!!!!!" he cackled, drumming his fingers together greedily.   
  
  
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AN: ^___^ First chapter..DONE! Woot for meeee! Editing stories sucks major ass! But I'm happier wif meh story now =D.   
Chapter 2'll be up in a lil while, hope this wasn't a total bore! Bwahah! Time to meet Usahontas and the other Indians next   
chapter ^^ As always Read and review! 


	3. Grandmother Willow Revealed

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!! I LIKE REVIEWS!!! ^o^  
  
Hehe, thank you -so- much for those of you who re-reviewed, and for the new ones as well. Don't hate my fic yet! It only gets better! And if you -do- hate it, F*CK YOU!! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT GENIUS IS!!!! ^o^  
  
**  
  
Chapter 2: Grandmother Willow...revealed  
  
Author: Meefer ^_^  
  
Rating: PG 13  
  
Content: Sexual references, drug-usage, and of course, the bad language  
  
Pairings: Trowom X Usahontas  
  
  
  
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The low, deep sound of the conch could be heard throughout the land. Women in the harvesting field ran to the center of the village Men fishing, left the river for the center of the village as well. Children, who were in the middle of a game, dropped their rackets and headed toward the center of the village. The sound of the conch meant that their chief, their leader, had returned home safely. Everyone was heading to the center of the village to hear of the battle's outcome.   
  
Chief Krilhaten stepped out of his canoe...and fell flat on his face.  
  
"Dammit! I knew I should've gotten this thing hemmed," the short leader said to himself as someone pulled him up to his feet by the oversized cape he wore.  
  
"Chama Wingapo, Krilhaten." Hekata greeted, once Krilhaten was in the front of the gathering.  
  
"It's good to be home." he answered, taking a stance in the center of the crowd. "The Masawomaks are defeated thanks to our brothers from across the great puddle!" he shouted enthusiastically.  
  
Everyone looked up in confusion.  
  
"He means the Atlantic ocean," Hekata whispered to the crowd. The majority there nodded in understanding and Krilhaten continued.   
  
"Our brothers across the great puddle who reside in the boot, helped us defeat the Masawomaks! Our villages are safe now!"  
  
"He means our brothers in Italy." Hekata whispered, the audience nodding once again.   
  
"Among all of our warriors, only one outshone them all. This man is Trowom, he fought with the strength of am bear and the courage of a Tiger. Tonight, we feast in his honor!"   
  
"HUR-RAY!" Yajirobi exclaimed, hopping to his feet, his numerous rolls shaking in the air. Food always had this effect on him.   
  
Hekata leaned in, poking Yajirobi in the belly.   
  
"WOO-HOO!" Yajirobi said, giggling like a pansy.  
  
"Maybe you should sit this feast out, fat boy," Hekata suggested.  
  
"SHUT UP! I'm not fat, just 'thick'!!" Yajirobi yelled.  
  
Hekata sneered. "And those donuts don't help much either, fat ass."   
  
Hekata turned his attention back to the important matters at hand. He took some body paint and left two handprints on Trowum's man-boobies, squeezing each one before removing his hand.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey!" Trowom said, "Back off, dude. I don't go that way."  
  
"Just testing out the merchandise," Hekata answered.  
  
Krilhaten walked away from the crowd, at the conclusion of his speach, and stood in front of his hut. Hekata soon followed.   
  
"Where is my daughter?" he asked.  
  
"How the fuck should I know?! I'm not her goddamn babysitter!"  
  
  
**  
  
  
"Usahontas!" Nakami called to her best friend. "Come down from there! Your father's home!"  
  
"Wha?!" Usahontas called back, running to the edge of the cliff. As she neared the edge, she slipped on a patch of moss and began falling head-first toward the water. "Haloooooo, Nakami!"  
  
Luna, her raccoon/panther mix (who knows how they pulled that off) jumped after Usahontas and fell next to her in the water with a splash.   
  
"Usahontas! Usahontas! Where are you?!" Nakami yelled desperately.  
  
"Ahh, Nakami! Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! I can't swim!" she pleaded, grabbing a side of the canoe.  
  
"Yes, you can!" Nakami said to her, beginning to slap the oar of the canoe over Usahontas's odangos. "Stop rocking the boat! I don't want to get wet! Usahontaaaaaaaaahhh!" she yelled one last time as the canoe was turned over, sending poor Nakami head first into the water.   
  
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" she fake-laughed, "You look like a dead rat!"  
  
Nakami grumbled a few times under her breath about dumb chieftan-daughters named Usahontas, and reached for the oar once again, to resume the slapping. She soon stopped, more interested in getting herself out of the water than anything else.  
  
Off in the distance, the faint voice of someone calling Usahontas' name could be heard. It gradually grew louder, until it was perfectly audible.  
  
"Usahontas!" Trowom called once more as he came upon the lake.  
  
Usahontas stepped out of the water and walked towards Trowom "Yes?"   
  
"Your father sent me for you. I told him that I didn't know where you were. Now we have some spare time to spend alone, if ya know what I mean, and I think you do." he said, raising and lowering his eyebrows.   
  
Usahontas giggled childlishly, obviously catching on to Trowom's implications. She said good bye to Nakami and walked with Trowom to their 'special' place...behind a bush.  
  
Trowom stood proudly, his arms crossed over his chest. He didnt stand alone however...er..."little Trowom" was there too, causing his Loin cloth to stick out more than it...should.  
  
A few minutes later, Usahontas stepped out from behind the bush and wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand...   
  
  
***Once the two reached the village***  
  
  
Usahontas, after saying goodbye to Trowom, walked into her father's hut.  
  
Krilhaten lifted his head at the sound of his hut flap being pushed aside. "Hello, daughter!" he greeted happily.  
  
"Hello, father!" she answered.  
  
"How has my only daughter been?"  
  
"Pretty good," she said, "But, I've been having the strangest dream every night," she began, "In my dream, I'm in the forest, and there's this erect, spinning penis. It just spins and spins, never stopping...What does this mean? I know it's trying to tell me something, but I don't know what."   
  
Krilhaten scratched his bald head, consumed in a deep thought. "Well, Usahontas, I think that maybe you're having wet dreams...Maybe you should go see Hekata sometime. He'll help you interpret them better. Maybe this penis you're seeing belongs to Trowom. I mean, he's asked for my blessing in having your hand in marriage. Maybe it was your sub-concious telling you that if you marry him, your future will be filled with big penis...not that I know if he has a big penis," he finished quickly.  
  
"Father, I think the penis is pointing me down a different path..."  
  
"Even the mountain stream must meet with the big puddle." he said.   
  
"I don't get it...Speak English."  
  
For some reason, Krilhatem decided that he could express himself best through song. "Though the river's proud and strong...he will choose the smoothest course...that's why rivers live so long," Krilhaten sang. "Cuz' they're steadyyyyyyy...like the steady, beating drummmm."   
  
Usahontas bitch-slapped her father."What the fuck are you talking about!" she yelled, leaving the hut in her frustration.  
  
Krilhaten followed her out and gave her a necklace."This belonged to your mother. She wanted to give you this before you were to be married." Krilhaten said, tying the necklace around her neck.   
  
"Oh my god, you IDIOT! I already said the penis was pointing me down a DIFFERENT path! I'm NOT getting married to Trowom dammit!" Usahontas yelled, tearing the necklace off.  
  
  
***Awhile later***  
  
  
Usahontas and her ever-faithful companion Luna went to the river. They hopped into a nearby canoe and paddled away, before the canoe's owner realized it had been stolen.  
  
After singing a good 30 seconds about, er, rivers...Usahontas was finally brought to the whole point of her song. "Should I choose the smoothest course, steady as the beating drum? Should I marry Trowooo-om? Is all my wet-dreaming at an end? Oooor dooo yooou stiiiill waaaait for meee wet-dream giveeeer? Just around the riveeer... beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend." She finished strongly, still paddling away.  
  
Now that she was done, Luna bit Usahontas's arm, drawing blood. "If you ever sing again, I swear to god, I'll bite your fucken head off." she threatened.   
Usahontas nodded in understanding and parked the canoe.  
  
She had seen Hekata earlier that day, and he had given her one of his, 'magical' mushrooms to calm her down. She sat down, her back leaned against a nearby tree and ate it.   
  
"Whoa, I feel dizzy." she said to Luna. She stood back up and shook her head. "Oh, my god! That tree's moving! Don't you see it's face, Luna?" she yelled, pointing in astonishment at the tree, who, to us *normal* people appeared to be exactly that...an, erm, tree.   
  
Maybe it was the mushrooms, maybe she's just a moron, but THAT TREE SUDDENLY HAD A FACE!  
  
"Hallo, my child," the tree said to her. "My name is Meece(Miss) Cleo. Meece Cleo is hea to help you make deceesions, with Meece Cleo's tarot leaves." she finished in her heavy, fake-ass Jamaican accent.  
  
"Hi, Miss Cleo. I'm Usahontas," she stated.  
  
"Meece Cleo knows, my child. Now, tell me about yoa dream." Miss Cleo said.   
  
Usahontas told her the story.   
  
"What does it mean?" she asked.  
  
"Let Meece Cleo look into the Tarot leaves and Meece Cleo will tell you," Miss Cleo said as she shook some leaves off of her branches. "Ah, my child, Meece Cleo see many tings. You are sleeping with this Trowom, no?"   
  
Usahontas nodded.   
  
"But, you don't want to marry him?"   
  
Usahontas shook her head. "It's one thing to be screwing him, but marriage is a whole 'nother story." Usahontas said.  
  
"Meece Cleo knows, my child. Meece Cleo see in te future strange clouds. T'ere will be men on t'em. You will have sex wit' many of t'em. You might marry..."   
  
Suddenly Miss Cleo groaned loudly, her branch-arms, shaking slightly. "Oh, child, Meece Cleo not feel good. You must eat ot'er mushroom to see Meece Cleo again. We have few minutes before Meece Cleo must leave." she said sadly.  
  
Hmm, maybe the mushrooms WERE the reason...  
  
"You dream points to yoooou path een(in) liiiife. Listen to the spirits...t'ey leeve(leave) in t'e Earth, River, Wind, and Water." Miss Cleo said, making sure she remembered to stress each syllable. Now, for some reason, she also deemed it a worthy occasion for song, and began to (oh god no) sing...she sang loud and annoyingly, her voice resembling that of an old lady at church. "Kweee, Kweee, Notura, you will undastaaaand. Listen with you ha't(heart), you will understaaaaand. Let it break upon you like a wave upon de saaaand. Listen wit' your heart, you wi-" Usahontas interrupted her, god bless her for it..  
  
"Goddamit! Will you stop singing! You have no talent! Accept it! You Suck!" Usahontas told her...although harsh, we must admit that there was *some* truth to it.  
  
"Well if tat's how you want to be, my child, den Meece Cleo not need to be here." Miss Cleo said sternly, and with that, faded back into the tree she once was.  
  
"Bitch..." Usahontas murmured and kicked Miss Cleo's trunk.   
  
Just then, Usahontas heard noises coming from the ocean's way. She climbed up Miss Cleo and looked out at the ocean.   
  
"Strange clouds..." she said aloud, staring intently at the sails of the Susan Constant.  
  
Luna could only shake her head at the moron...was even tempted to tell her it was a FUCKING BOAT, but alas, she was too tired and too lazy. So, she took off, leaving the still gazing Usahontas in the tree.  
  
  
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AN: If you don't know who Miss Cleo really is, then I'll tell you. She's a dope psychic, who seems as though she inhales too much of her incense, if you know what I mean. Ya ya ya, she HAS had a lotta crap about being a fake and all, but she's cool, none the less. So don't take everything I write about her too seriously. ^^   
  
Chapter 3--   
  
The whities are here!   
  
Could Quatron get any gayer? Most likely...Stay tuned! 


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